#and it means very much to me and i thought i'd put the lyrics into a prompt post

[cassiaslair]

from i prevail's album, trauma ( 2019 ). slightly modified to fit dialogue prompts. if it's in parentheses, feel free to omit it.

bow down.

get on your knees & bow down.

i come alive, i'll survive, take on anything.

so paint a target on my back, let 'em come to me.

i'm on another level that you'll never reach.

if you seek forgiveness, you'll get nothing from me.

you will never know, it's the price i pay.

look into my eyes, we are not the same.

i'm in control, & you'll know my name.

i gave my life, gave it everything.

the best of your best ain't good enough.

keep running your mouth, & i'ma call your bluff.

so... i had this dream, it meant everything, & i watched it come alive.

i let you in, underneath my skin, & i learned to love the lies.

now i lay awake & i contemplate... have i become what i hate?

would you go to war? would you die for it?

paranoid.

something isn't right, i feel it in my bones.

every time i look around, it follows me home.

i get so stressed out when my head gets loud.

all this emptiness inside, i can't fill the void in my mind.

sometimes i just wanna die (wish that i could tell you why).

is it all inside my head?

i just can't escape the noise.

i think i'm paranoid.

every time you leave.

all i ever wanted was to find someone.

holding it together is the hardest part.

every time you leave, i lose a little piece of me.

every time we speak, words don't do it justice.

it's just us from here.

finishing the puzzle is the hardest part.

everyday wishin' you could stay, 'cause our minds may change, but our hearts remain.

i can't believe you gotta go away again.

if you ever start to hesitate & you feel the weight, it starts to break.

we're not the same; know that this means everything to me.

no one said life gets in the way.

rise above it.

i've been patiently waiting, tying my stomach in knots.

i've been lost in the moment, going to war with my thoughts.

if you're feeling the pressure, the pressure's all that i got.

so if you think you're ready, i'm here to tell you you're not.

you're in over your head.

i'll be damned if i ever let you get me again.

i will stop at nothing 'cause i was made to rise above it.

one of these days, everyone will know (but for now i stand alone).

i count my enemies like trophies.

i've got nothing left to prove.

when i look at you, all i see are trophies.

i'm not afraid to put it all on the line (like it runs in my veins).

you cannot stop me, so don't even try.

breaking down.

i think... i think too much.

i'm a little bit paranoid.

i think i'm breaking (down).

maybe it's in my blood.

hate every single second, minute, hour, every day.

everybody's out to get you.

every time they ask me, i just tell 'em that i'm fine.

i try to hide my demons, but they only multiply.

everybody fucking hates you.

i say i'm feeling hopeless, but no one's listening.

i don't really like myself.

DOA.

on our knees, we pray as we waste away.

we dig our grave, dead on arrival.

i close my eyes & contemplate on why i chose to be great.

i find myself trying to escape from where i'm supposed to be safe.

maybe i should pray like i'm supposed to be saved.

sometimes i feel like getting even, but i choose to behave.

i'm mentally locked in a prison (& i need bail).

i wish i was more flourished. i wish i had more courage.

i wonder if it's all worth it (i wonder...).

dead is the land of the free.

am i not worth saving?

gasoline.

let's burn it fucking down.

back from the dead to tell you that i'm alive.

killed the old way (but i survived).

fuck the blueprint.

death or exile, you decide.

tell 'em all that i made my name.

now it's mine to send up in flames.

this right here is as far as you go.

this right here is where i lose control.

burn it all down, i don't give a fuck.

fuck what they say, fuck everything.

kill it all (kill everything).

nothing but red inside when i close my eyes.

break or bow down, you decide.

tell 'em all that you can't be saved.

tell 'em all that you dug this grave.

learn to live in this mess you made.

hurricane.

tell me i was never good enough.

remind me of the demons that i've been running from.

tell me who the hell you thought i was.

just blame it on the person, the person i've become.

lately, i don't give a fuck.

i can't be myself when i'm with anyone.

(&) maybe, i'm already gone.

i'll never be the same.

it hit me like a hurricane.

i don't know why i drown my mind (in everything they say).

it got the best of me.

tell me that i'm lost inside my mind.

i reach out, but it's pulling me under.

remind me i've been searching for something i won't find.

tell me i was never worth the time.

just blame it on the person you think i left behind.

look into my eyes.

believe me that the storm is coming.

let me be sad.

i'm holding back right now.

('cause) i'm numb to what's around.

i miss the life i used to have (with you right here).

now everything is turning grey.

i'm blacking out the shades for now.

let me be sad.

let me be sad, even for a little while. just a chance to catch my breath.

let me be sad, even for a little while, 'cause it's all that i have left.

can you see it in my eyes, i've been distant?

i can't tell if it's the end or the beginning.

i know i haven't been myself, i'll admit it.

i put up walls so if i burned any bridges, just know i'm doing everything i can to try & fix it (but knowing me i'll probably miss it).

these voices get so vicious.

feels like i'm ripping stitches.

i wish some days i could go back (before life changed, it was so fast).

that time is gone, & i know that (so please, let me be sad).

when all i see are memories, i don't wanna lose a thing.

low.

i'm so damn low.

i can't lie, i'm falling (the floor gave out again).

the walls are caving in.

i've got these voices in my head.

i don't know why i'm broken.

my world is sinking in.

they tell me that i'm not enough.

is it my time?

even when i'm high, i still feel low.

voices in my head won't leave me alone.

i keep falling.

i'm in over my head again.

i'm on my own, i know it.

i think i'm too far gone to save.

i can't let go. i'm holding, i feel it slip away.

the more they say, the more they cut.

i'm hanging by a thread (don't know if i let go).

i'm doing everything i can to fix the problem.

this is how it feels when you hit rock bottom.

deadweight.

i'm cutting out the deadweight.

let me take a second to get this through to you.

it's time you get put in the rearview.

cut ties, there's nothing left to your lies, i'm seeing right through.

let me lay it out so it's clear for you to see.

i'm done with the ones that don't believe.

i'm cutting out the ones who drag me down.

all this negativity weighing down on me.

admit it's so pathetic to think i'd carry you.

i'd rather watch all the lows you sink to.

now i can see what you're really all about.

turn your back & run your mouth.

i laugh at all the time you wasted.

you're bitter, i can fucking taste it.

so if you think that you can drag me down, it's gonna come back around.

keep it up, motherfucker (i'll cut you out).

i don't belong here.

'cause i don't belong here.

those days, it was all i wanted.

nowadays, it feels all the same.

used to stare at my bedroom ceiling wishing everything would change.

now it's hard when you're always searching for the life that you left behind.

time disappears, year after year.

how the hell did i get here?

i feel so far away.

minutes turn to hours & the hours into days.

i gave up everything.

you don't know what you got until you throw it all away.

looking back on the past, all the time i wasted...

i'm running from everyone that tells me that i'm fading out.

must be mistaken 'cause i don't feel anything.

you know i got this brain, it drives me insane.

some days i feel i can't take the pain.

i can't explain it 'cause i don't need anything.

[bitchy-craft]

PICK A CARD: rom-com movie quotes that describe your future spouse’s thoughts

Hello and welcome to this reading. In here I will give you some romance-comedy movie quotes that describe your future spouse’s thoughts. I hope you enjoy and find this fun!

masterpost > paid readings > patreon masterlist

for the extended version of this reading and 90+ exclusive and extended pac's check put my patreon

Pile 1:

“You had me at ‘hello.’” – Jerry Maguire

“I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly.” – You’ve Got Mail

“To me, you are perfect.” – Love Actually

“I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” – Notting Hill

“I think I'd miss you even if we'd never met.” – The Wedding Date

“I like you very much. Just as you are.” – Bridget Jones’s Diary

“Is it still raining? I hadn't noticed.” – Four Weddings and a Funeral

“You make me want to be a better man.” – As Good As It Gets

“I love you. I knew it the minute I met you.” – Silver Linings Playbook

“If you're a bird, I'm a bird.” – The Notebook

extended reading > paid readings

Pile 2:

“Help me help you.” – Jerry Maguire

“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Friends

“Nobody thinks it will work, do they?” “No. You just described every great success story.” – Notting Hill

“Marriage is a big commitment, it’s not like buying a car.” – Runaway Bride

“It's not about being perfect. It's about trying.” – Music and Lyrics

“I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is.” – Forrest Gump

“Do I love him? I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man he almost is.” – Jerry Maguire

“Sometimes you got to work for love. Sometimes love means taking out the garbage.” – Forces of Nature

“I’m not really the kind of person who has relationships.” – Trainwreck

“You think I’m too sarcastic? Well, sarcasm is my love language.” – Friends with Benefits

extended reading > paid readings

Pile 3:

“I’ll have what she’s having.” – When Harry Met Sally

“You make me laugh… even when I want to punch you.” – 10 Things I Hate About You

“I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void.” – The Fault in Our Stars

“So you’re telling me there’s a chance!” – Dumb and Dumber

“I'm not superstitious, but I am a little- stitious.” – The Office

“Why is it when I’m having fun, it’s wrong?” – My Best Friend’s Wedding

“You’re so vain. You probably think this movie is about you.” – Clueless

“We’re adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?” – New Girl

“She doesn't even go here!” – Mean Girls

“You smell like pine needles and you have a face like sunshine!” – Bridesmaids

extended reading > paid readings

[ineedpaigebuckets]

ONE SHOT AZZI TOP I BEG

PTPOM 2.0

an: i don't know who the fuck allowed me to write this

disregard this thanks

warnings: filth 🥲🤞

--------------------------------------------------------------

azzi pov

the sound of sza seeping in through my ears, my headphones blocking out the sound of the music blasting through the bus. i can hear a little bit not enough to disturb my peace of just looking out the window. the light fall of the snow and the silence of the trees outside.

my peace is very quickly disturbed when i hear PTPOM 2.0 being blasted through the speaker and big fucking surprise my girlfriends screaming at the top of her lungs. she's one seat diagonal of me since i insisted on having my own seat, she can be a bit much at night.

"put that pussy on me." i hear her scream and my eyes whip to her before they're caught on amaris live, she tilted the camera towards me and i give her a guilty expression. paige sings a few more lyrics before she gives me a wicked smile and i groan looking back out the window.

i hear amari mumble something along the lines of "you're so gay." and that must have motivated paige to come annoy me.

i feel someone plop down in my seat next to me but i don't even bother, knowing it's paige.

"hi." she grins pulling the headphone off my ear to get my full attention. i slip them off and hang them around my neck leaning against the back of the seat.

"hi baby." i whispered brushing back her flyaways and holding my hands on her cheeks for a few seconds, silently asking her to please calm down. she still gives me her little giddy grin, and i can't help but smile back.

"you played good tonight." i soften my voice letting hands drop down to her lap holding onto her hands. my thumbs running over her skin.

"so, you gonna put that pussy on me or what?" i can see the look in her eyes, she's not kidding. i mean if i had a game like the one she just had i'd understand.

"i'm not the one who dropped 30 today, imma show you how proud i am." the amount of joy that goes through her face at my words is actually insane.

the second paige and i make our way into our hotel room, hand in hand giggling, we cuddle up in bed and turn on the tv. about 30 minutes later i look down to see paige spread across my chest just relaxing in the feeling of me. "thought you were gonna put that pussy on me." i whisper my lips tracing the outline of her ear. as much as paige liked having dominance over the situation, she fucking loved it when i got her right. i see paige pick her head up slowly as her tired hooded eyes meet my own, but there's a glint of something else in them.

"imma do whatever the fuck you want me to." her voice deep and raspy, i'd give anything to hear her voice all day everyday.

"good girl." i whisper my one hand tugging her chin up to me, causing our lips to meet. the first touch was soft, but it didn't take long for paige's mouth to slot open letting my tongue slide around, exploring every inch of her mouth i knew all to well. my other hand sliding up the back of her shirt leaving a tingling sensation wherever i touch. before i could move again paige had propped herself up practically pushing me down into the pillows as she pushed her mouth against mine in a kind of urgency neither of us had been prepared for.

everything else in the room quickly forgotten, all 5 of my senses quickly attuned towards paige.

"imma make it quick so we can get you to sleep okay superstar?" i mumble against her tired lips. her motions had gotten sloppy but not at all less motivated. my girl was grumpy when she didn't sleep. and we were not about to have a grumpy paige.

"how tired you feeling, you wanna lay back for me or you wanna sit up?" i whisper, a string of spit connecting our lips as we pull away, her breathing heavy.

"lay down." she whispers rolling off of me and laying flat on her back her chest rising and falling. i let a small smile cross my face as i push her shirt up and let it sit above her sports bra.

"you wanna take these off?" i whisper my lips ghosting her stomach, pressing soft kisses and licks across her toned abdomen as i position myself between her legs. she props herself up and i help her slip both items of clothing off, drawing my mouth back to her small perky breasts. my thumb runs gently across her neck in a soothing manner. she lets out soft sighs and i completely relax into the feeling of her.

"az." i hear her mumble and i move my mouth from her chest onto that spot behind her ear i know all too well.

"i gotchu baby, i gotchu." i knew i wasn't gonna tease her, or be a bitch tonight, tonight was about showing her just how proud of her i was. and she deserved just that. i slide my hands to her waistband and sit up as i slide both her pants and boxers off at the same time.

"you're so beautiful my love." i whisper pressing a soft kiss on her lower stomach. she shifted on the bed uncomfortably as i pushed her legs apart and settled in between them again. before she can even think i hook her feet above my shoulders and lick a long stripe up her heat. i feel her back arch off the bed as she sucks in a breath. her face contorting in pleasure. i could get off to just watching her. i feel her hands grip onto my hair pulling me into her before i can even get a breath out. i run my tongue gently across her clit, my movements soft but just the right amount for her, sucking gently at her skin.

"fuck, fuck baby, so good." paige starts to ramble off incoherent words and i continue my work, letting my tongue slip down into her entrance and brushing my nose to where my lips previously were. expertly knowing just what she needs. i feel her legs trembling over my shoulders and it gives me confidence. my hands pull her thighs impossibly closer, trying to get as far into her as i physically could.

the whole world is gone, the only thing going through my mind is the taste of the girl i love, the smell of her sweat, arousal, and cologne all mushed together, she feel of her legs around my head, the sight of her sweaty abs glistening in the light right in front of me, and the small sounds she was letting out at my movements. everything perfectly at ease. i feel her buck her hips against my tongue and i know it before she even says anything.

"az-" she tries to speak but is cut off by an even more beautiful moan slipping from her mouth as she pushes the back of her head into the pillow.

"look at me paige, look at me and let go." my voice deep and husky as i keep my mouth on her not letting up one bit. she's propped up on her elbows, my eyes soft as i watch her come undone. her hands tighten further in my hair as i feel her pool into my mouth, and i have no problem licking her clean. but when im done licking it up, i don't stop, keep going as i feel her clench around my tongue for the second time tonight. but then i feel her hands desperately pushing at my forehead.

"off, too much- can't." she breaths out and i do as she says moving only a centimeter away from her heat as i breathe into her.

"one more baby, i know you can." when i went down on her there was absolutely no stopping me and she knew it. she nodded her head with big eyes and threw her arm over her eyes as i got back to work. my tounge flicks a little rougher than last time as i realize just how close she is already. her legs tremble over my shoulders and all i can do is grab onto her thighs, my hands digging into her skin. i look up at her, eyes closed just taking in the moment and i slow my movements just a little, trying to remember exactly this moment, wanting to hold it with me forever. i see her back arch higher and i know she doesn't have much longer so i slip away from her and trail my hand up her chest and hold two fingers in front of her lips.

"open." i hum as she takes my fingers in her mouth swirling her tongue around and between them getting them all ready for her.

"good girl." i murmur as i slide my hand back down and circle my now wettened fingers over her clit. but i feel her twitch under me and replace my fingers with my lips, sucking hard. my fingers easily dip into her wetness and fall into a steady rhythm for only a few seconds before without a warning she's gushing all over my hand and my chin. i look up at her, she looks like she's screaming but there's no sound coming out. the hottest fucking scene i've ever looked at. she lets out a strangled moan as her body falls limp against the bed. i slip out of her and pull my lips away from her throbbing center.

"so good for me, you did so good baby. so proud." i smile coming up to flop down on the bed right beside her. she gives me a lazy smile before her eyes fall closed. after a few minutes when i know she's at least calmed down a little i turn to her my own breath finally evened out.

"you know, you still never put that pussy on me." i grin a wicked smile as my hand traced across her bare stomach and my eyes meet hers just as she opens them. she gives me a look almost pleading me to not continue. but knowing she has one more in her i give her my own look. a look of desperation.

"sit on my face p come on." hoping the dirtiness of the words would finally bring out the last bit of desire she had in her. and boy was i right because she sat up in no time. her eyes wide almost asking me if i was sure. it wasn't something we'd done before, i'd done it to her but not this way. and it was exactly what i wanted. i swing her leg over my head so she was hovering over me. i lick a stripe up her wetness gathering what i could on my tongue as i desperately try to pull her down onto me.

"az, careful baby, i don't wanna hurt you." her voice was raw and worn out, yes so sweet and gentile. everything about her made me smile.

"don't worry, i got you, just relax, sit down." i feel her slowly let all her weight fall onto me and i wasted absolutely no time, able to hit new spots with my tongue at this new angle.

"taste so fucking good." the vibrations of my voice caused her to tense up around my tongue and i felt her legs tremble already, only seconds in and she was overwhelmed.

"gonna- can't- azzi." she murmurs holding on to the headboard for the most part and i pull her hips to rock against me as she works herself through the third orgasm of the night. she turns around and flops back her cheeks flushed and her lips bright pink as i kiss them gently.

"no more, all done, sleep." she mumbles her eyes falling down already.

"did so good mama, all done, time for bed." i sit up and strip off every item of clothing i was wearing and wrap myself in her side, the skin to skin contact perfect.

"goodnight paige." i whisper against her neck, hearing the soft snores coming from her body.

[jamiepaige]

Constant Companions Closeup #11: MACHINE LOVE

(also on bandcamp and spotify!)

Welcome back to the Constant Companions Closeups - a series of in-depth dives into the songs off of my latest album, Constant Companions! Yesterday was the title track, My Darling, My Companion, which means today is the final track on the album - a song about the truths that lay in hiding within artifice, and a computer falling in love - Machine Love!

Before we get started on this particularly long closeup - I'll be doing a follow-up post after this one, answering various miscellaneous questions I've gotten over the course of writing these! If you've got anything you wanna hear more from me about, album-related or otherwise, feel free to reply to this post or send me an ask! It may very well end up part of the bonus closeup :~)

---

Let's circle back to the very first track, Dyad.

In that track's closeup, I mentioned the main sonic touchstones of this release relative to my previous ones being guitars and vocal synths. The whole guitar rock thing I think I've gone into detail enough about, what with all the inspirations I've rattled off in other posts, but there likely is still a burning question for some long-time listeners.

Why vocal synths? Why am I not singing on like half of this album? I thought you were a singer, Jamie Paige, so what is this Hatsune Miku robot Vocaloid crap?

Truth be told, the Vocaloid scene and community has always been a massive source of inspiration for me. So much of my favorite music ever, music that inspires me or touches my heart or makes me go apeshit, has been sung by synthesized vocalists in a language I don't even speak. I grew up with it, and it's grown up with me - music just as intricate, mind-boggling, twisted, fun, and ridiculously creative is being put out every single day by vocal synth producers, and nowadays it's coming from English speaking musicians in droves!

Before this year began, I'd made at least one major contribution to the culture, but in spite of my genuine adoration of everything vocal synth related, I felt like I was just looking in from the other side. Caught between worlds, existing outside of any communities, simply gesturing vaguely towards what I wanted to do.

But I wanted more! I wanted to make the same kinds of things that stirred my heart and made me want to write! I wanted to sing with those same voices! I wanted it to be true - to be like you!

---

I won't lie to you and tell you Kasane Teto has always been my favorite vocal synth. That title used to go to GUMI, and in general, I wasn't particularly attached to any UTAU voicebanks as a younger vocal synth fan. (Nowadays, I genuinely open up OpenUTAU just as much as SynthV because I've fallen deeply in love with Adachi Rei, but that's a story for my next album.) Obviously, I knew of Teto, and found her presence in things like Triple Baka delightful, but for the most part, she was mostly something of an oddity, a wayward piece of vocal synth history that had her Fans like any other.

However, there was one Teto song I've been inexplicably attached to since the moment I first heard it - Song of the Eared Robot, by nwp8861. I was introduced via this particular cover, which I love, but I quickly gravitated to the original. Something about the warbly, childish nature of her very first voicebank, the ambitiously orchestrated and unabashedly digital instrumental, the lyrics referencing fundamental frequencies and Markov chains and compiling code all just spoke to me!

That song stuck with me, laying in a part of my heart that had been collecting dust, all the way to April of 2023.

Now, yes, Teto wasn't always my favorite, and I had other vocal synths I was attached to, but I don't live under a rock, and I still understood how monumental the announcement of Kasane Teto's Synth V voicebank was - to the point that I interrupted a call full of FFXIV-playing friends who knew barely anything about vocal synths and gave them an impromptu TED talk because I was so excited.

(An excerpt of a summary of that night's events, written the morning after. i was up my own ass a little bit but in my defense Kasane Teto had just been announced for Synthesizer V)

I was watching, in real time, a dream made manifest. It's literally one of the Bits with Teto! That she'd be a Vocaloid one day too! And here she was, on the fan favorite engine, sounding genuinely fucking incredible. Especially in hindsight, it's such a beautiful and perfect twist of fate for her.

I saw myself in her. A weird little outcast, explosively reborn and thrust straight into a community's open arms with love. I wanted it to be true - To be like that, too.

It didn't fully hit until later, hearing another cover of a song I'd almost forgotten.

Machine Love, my love letter to the entire world of unbridled creativity and artistry surrounding vocal synths filtered through one sentimental little song, was fully written by the start of May, maybe 4 days after I had gotten my hands on Teto SV and long before a certain compilation album was even a glint in my eye.

If you haven't heard DAEMON/DOLL yet, you really, really, really should go listen to it - yes, I mastered this album, many of my friends and collaborators are featured, and I have two entire songs on it, but I genuinely mean it when I say I believe it's some of the best fucking music that's come out this year in general. In many respects, it also feels like a companion (hah) to Constant Companions.

I had finished writing Machine Love by this point, but it was working on this album in its entirety - discovering artists like Anh Duy, Eggtan, and beat_shobon through it, and hearing everyone in top form making this twin-drilled chimera fucker sing her heart out - that not only made me confident in my decision to go down this artistic path, but that made me fall completely in love with Kasane Teto. And honestly, how could I not? She feels like a microcosm of everything that makes vocal synths so special, this community of creatives all leaving their marks and touchstones along the trail of a great big shared folk mythos. Yeah, maybe the folk hero we're all collectively mythologizing is an anime girl, but yknow maybe Odysseus could take some branding cues from hatsune miku idfk

Basically, even if he says he wants to kill me, I owe fucking everything to rice for inviting me to work on DAEMON/DOLL.

---

On that note, my vision for Machine Love's MV was pretty clear from the beginning.

the actual factual setup for the above shot, which was done entirely in-camera with my laptop, a tv, and two video files manually synced using VLC

The fundamental idea was always there - live-action shots of animation playing back on various screens, edited together to feel somewhat seamless. However, I really struggled with what exactly was going to be on said screens for a while; Big commissions were very far out of my budget, but I knew this song needed something grandiose.

Ultimately, what I arrived at was exactly the kind of scrappy, DIY bullshit it was always meant to be.

I asked my Twitter mutuals for help. And spent a couple months in Final Cut Pro and Apple Motion hell turning all the Teto art I got into a bunch of tiny little mini MVs, some of them parodying real vocal synth MVs, some of simply just evocative of vocal synth MVs, all of them painstakingly edited by yours truly and filmed with the help of some friends over the next couple months across two states and many more cities just to be painstakingly edited and synced up again by yours truly.

THE NEXT MV I DO WILL BE SMALLER IN SCOPE

---

And with that, I believe that's the album!

There's a reason it ends with Machine Love, and not with the title track. I do think that in some respects My Darling, My Companion would have made a better closer, but that song only really resolves one of the thematic strands running through the album.

There isn't really a definitive answer to the specific question "Baby, do you know what you wanna hear?", but it evokes a theme running through the entire album - wanting something, knowing that you want something, and simply needing to find the courage to do it or say it or be it. My Darling, My Companion is in many ways a declaration of intent, an acceptance of what needs to happen, but Machine Love, to me, is that action being done. The words being said!

And now, if I may give this a somewhat selfish tint - with the explosive response my works from this album have gotten, my contributions to things like DAEMON/DOLL and Flavor Foley, the collaborations I've done and that I still have in the pipeline, the friends I've made and the community I've found a spot for myself in, and the newfound voices that I can lay my heart bare with -

Well, shit, I know what I wanna hear, and I've gotten to hear it. I'm a vocaloP. It's real!

Thank you all so goddamn much for reading and listening. I'll see you back here either tomorrow or Monday for the bonus AMA post thing!! Make art and be gay, motherfuckers.

❤️💚

[madbard]

I just realized another reason I love Hozier’s music. It’s not just that the lyrics are complex, or the music itself is beautiful - it’s that Hozier is a musical liar.

Take Cherry Wine. This is a song about an abusive relationship, told from the perspective of someone very much in love with their abuser. Throughout the song, the narrator describes their lover’s cruelty. Lyrics like “I walk my days on a wire” and “open hand or closed fist would be fine” make the darker aspects of their relationship all too evident. At points, the song suggests that they are defending this relationship to someone else who cares about them (“it looks ugly but it’s clean. Oh mama, don’t fuss over me”) and even the more beautiful and seemingly romantic lines later in the song (“oh but she loves like sleep to the freezing”) have dark undertones (what else is sleep to the freezing but death?) Still, I often come across the song being used in a wholesome, romantic context. A lot of factors contribute to this, but I would argue that this song mainly gets mistaken for a romantic song because of how soft and gentle the music is - it presents as a sweet love song in every way except the lyrics. Even those lyrics are told through the lens of someone defending their broken and abusive relationship, deepening the lie. Our narrator wants to portray this relationship as something dark, yet also immensely beautiful and encompassing. The result is a song about the agony and pleasure of a broken relationship, disguised so well as a love song in every possible way that it gets mistaken for something romantic. (Even if you are aware of the meaning, there is still that deep urge to experience the song as something romantic. Just like the narrator, the listener is drawn in by beauty and the powerful idea of love, so much so that it can blind them to reality.)

Variations of this can be seen in Talk. In this song, the narrator makes their intentions very clear - they are sweet-talking someone in order to hide their own thoughts and desires (“I try to talk refined, for fear that you find out how I’m imagining you”). Despite knowing this, the sheer power of the lyrics (“I'd be the voice that urged Orpheus / when her body was found. / I'd be the choiceless hope in grief / that drove him underground. / I'd be the dreadful need in the devotee / that made him turn around, / and I'd be the immediate forgiveness in Eurydice”) overwhelms the listener. We know the speaker is putting on a show. We know they have ulterior motives, and likely don’t even believe what they are saying. But their words are so beautiful that we don’t care. The intense, almost mythic music in the background is so lovely and deep, it makes the lyrics seem genuine, because what lie could sound so astounding and true? In this case, the song about smoke and mirrors and empty talk becomes a love song because the narrator is just that skilled at lying.

Even songs like Too Sweet, sung by a narrator who refuses to be with someone unless they allow their standards to slide, become ‘romantic’ and ‘sweet’ to certain listeners - not because the lyrics are impenetrable, but because so many of Hozier’s narrators are unreliable. His songs spin sweet stories, lies so stunning that listeners are willing to deny what they know in order to experience the beauty of that untruth, the complexity of that space between what is real and what we want to believe.

And isn’t that more true to the experience of being a person, and loving other people, than the simple truths we often see in these types of songs?

[kickedin17]

Lyrics from the clancy tour setlist that are Scary now

I am clancy, prodigal son, done running [...] wanted dead or alive

Overtake your former self

I must've forgot, you can't trust me [...] before you know it I'm lost at sea

Tunnels cave, visions fade, swallowed by the vignette

There is no distraction to mask what is real

I found my way, right time, wrong place, as I pled my case

I don't know if this one is a surrender or a revel, I don't know if this one is about me or the devil

There's no chance I will shake this again

Do you think that now's the time you should let go? It's over my head

I used to be a champion of a world you can't see

Don't circle the track, just break the cycle in half

I tried to warn you just to stay away

Can't change what you've done

I'm testing the limits of what a mind can do

Did I disappoint you? Will they still let me over if I cross the line?

I'd rather you not be here for what could be my final form, stay your pretty eyes on course, keep the memories of who I was before

I thought I was fully prepared for the threshold in store [...] I guess I never really faced my fears before

End of my ways as a walking denial, my trial was filed as a crazy suicidal head-case

And I know that I can fight or I can let the lion win. I begin to assemble what weapons I can find, cause sometimes to stay alive, you've gotta kill your mind

And then when just enough light comes from just the right side and you find you're not who you're supposed to be? This is not what you're supposed to see, please, remember me? I am supposed to be king of a kingdom or swinging on a swing [...] this situation's becoming dire. My treehouse is on fire and for some reason I smell gas on my hands. This is not what I had planned, this is not what I had planned

I don't want your way, I want mine, I'm dying and I'm trying but believe me I'm fine, but I'm lying, I'm so very far from fine

And I can feel the pull begin, feel my conscience wearing thin

Cause I will save face for name's sake, abuse grace, take aim to obtain a new name in a newer place [...] I ain't the same, and my name became a new destiny to the grave

Keep your bliss, there's nothing wrong with this

This haze around my face makes me feel all alone

I find my self-esteem then turn so cold

We'll find a way to pay for it [...] and you can be quite certain, we'll win but not everyone will get out

This doesn't mean I lost my dream, it's just right now I got a really crazy mind to clean

You don't need to run

We're going too fast, fast, save us

I'll never be what you see inside, you say I'm not alone, but I am petrified

I have committed dirty, dirty crimes that are perfectly form-fitted to what I've done and what I'm doing, I'm brewing and losing and spewing infusing

I'm not sure if I can see this ever stopping, shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts, no, you were all that I've got, no

Gnawing on the bishops, claw our way up their system

I've been thinking too much, help me

I'm all in, I'm surrounded, put my money where my mouth is, even though I'm past the point of no return

I crumble underneath the weight

I'll stop my plans, but you'll have to tie me down and then break both my hands

It's a different blue, it's deeper than it's been

My name's blurryface and I care what you think (what's my name, what's my name)

[heavensoutofsight]

just some thoughts...

firstly, i just wanna say that it makes me very happy to see so many black and queer women being spotlighted at the grammys (as a black, queer woman myself). and i am not at all upset at beyonce winning, given that she is the first black woman to win that award since 1999, which is pretty huge.

however. is it still extremely disappointing that billie didn't win anything? absolutely.

i think what makes this whole situation the most upsetting is that billie has said countless times in various interviews how much this album means to her. she's talked numerous times about how this was her most personal album yet and how challenging it was for her to be honest while making it. she's talked about how it's the album she's the most proud of and how it's the album that is undeniably the most "her." an album that means this much not only to billie but to the fans not winning a single category is very saddening and i could understand why many would be angry.

more than anything, though, i just want billie to know one thing: hit me hard and soft may not have won a single grammy, but it did win the hearts of fans and non-fans alike. it is an album that has touched many peoples' hearts, it's an album that people resonate with, it's an album that people feel comforted by. billie has said time and time again that she just wants to be a voice for people who feel like they don't have one and i want her to know that with this album especially, she achieved that. hmhas is an album that so many people, including myself, hold near and dear to their hearts, and i think that is the best reward anyone could ask for. i hope billie truly knows that.

hmhas means so much to me, personally. for practically the entire month of may and the rest of 2024, i recall so many moments when i'd put the album on and sing every lyric like i was at my own little concert at 3 in the morning in my bedroom. if i ever had a shit day, i would put on birds of a feather or lunch if i wanted to smile. if i needed to cry, i'd put on skinny or the greatest or wildflower. this album is genuinely healing, for me, and for so many others. i think that's more important than anything.

billie will never see this (lol) but... love you billie, hmhas has won alllll the awards in my heart and has gone triple platinum in my bedroom!!

[0tenshi]

🌻Positive Result ~ The Eulogy of Someone Still Alive (TW: discussions of death, physical and mental illness)

HEY!! It's been a bit since I wrote one of these. I kind of wanted to do one for Neuron Explosion Show, but I feel like I don't have much good to say about it. At any rate, NES is a bit of a successor to Positive Result despite having been released first. I wrote Positive Result first and in a far longer amount of time and put a lot more thought into it, that's for sure.

This song has been a long time coming for me. I'm not super open about my own mental state online as a safety measure since I am still young, but my music has always been a way for me to... unleash what I feel without guilt, if that makes sense. I'm quite a reserved person despite wearing my heart on my sleeve, but the lack of pressure with music really draws me to the craft as a whole. After all, most of my listeners do not know me on a personal level (nor should they). Those who do know me, however, are able to get a better insight on me through listening to what I have to say in a way that doesn't put as much direct burden on them as talking face to face would. Perhaps my mindset isn't the healthiest, I am aware that it's cowardly. But it's one of the only ways I am able to process my own emotions, trauma, and regrets while I navigate my young adulthood as of now.

That being said, I'd like to talk as openly as I can about the meaning of Positive Result here. This song features a feeling that I know all too well: pure, unfiltered panic. Powerlessness. An extreme sense of mortality.

I was officially diagnosed with OCD when I was around thirteen, but my symptoms started at a very young age, manifesting mostly in the form of health anxiety. The first instance of this I can recall was how at six years old I would check my lung capacity over and over again, convinced that my breathing was constrained and there was something wrong with me. Checking myself mentally and physically for symptoms of something arbitrary and untrue was routine for so long, for so many years, that I thought it to be normal until I discovered the nature of OCD. The disorder is ravenous. It's time consuming. At times, it is inescapable. It is scary. It is completely irrational. And it's shaped me and my personality in many ways.

"I can't halt the fear

To appreciate

everything I seem

seem to have today

(Now I am contorting wildly, feelings clashing, overwhelming)

And I can't control

what's controlling me and

living while I'm dying every day

(Understanding math so vague, I graph a picture of a morbid day)"

Positive Result features my struggle with the part of my OCD that makes me fear contracting and dying of a physical illness. A lot of the lyrics allude to cancer specifically, ("Even though I cannot sense it, I can tell that my cells are revolting/Turning paradigms to sickness"). The imagery of physical cells "revolting" is something I wanted to portray sickeningly straightforward. I considered using the word "turning" as well, like rotting, or like a multiplying cancer, but "revolting" felt more akin to the betrayal I feel when my mind tries to convince me that my "paradigms" are turning to sickness. In this case, "paradigms" also refers to cell mitosis and the multiplication of cancer cells. "Felt only by these hands of mine" refers to the sense of feeling something or seeing something, a symptom, an imperfection, anything, that isn't actually there.

My episodes of panic with my OCD have lasted me months at a time before. At times, they leave me feeling that my fear will last an eternity.

"With a fear that lasts an eternity, counting one, two, three, to the metronome of destiny

In love with earthly frequencies, the ripping sound of frantic waves

It's growing, flowers exploding, round and round, they're breathing, eating me alive"

Now, the visceral earthly imagery in the chorus is more evocative than meaningful. The thought of a flower exploding, wrapping around you, breathing and eating you alive is an uncanny enough thought. But it's the way mortality feels to me. It's the way I imagine slowly dying. Even though I have never been close to that state physically (knock on wood) getting a very scary phone call from a doctor some years ago got me well acquainted with the proximity that we as animals have to the dirt beneath us. ("Letting go and letting blood can never be rehearsed/Oh, you know I'm gonna claim that I'm only getting worse!") That last line in the yelling section in particular refers to the endless requests for reassurance about my own potential, unreal conditions and my inability to believe the people that told me I would be okay.

I'm also really proud of the next little section where the lines, "This survival rate, forever it is plummeting/these statistics aren't re-re-reassuring me," pop up. This refers specifically to checking compulsions via looking up symptoms on the internet/checking survival rates for various illnesses (I used to do that a lot.) This section also alludes to the loss of control, which, in reality, might be the scariest part of the fear of illness for me.

Also, notice the repeated rhyming of "me" with itself. ("Can't you answer me/those looking down on me"... "These statistics aren't re-re-reassuring me"..."Heal me"). When you're stuck in your head, it's quite impossible to live outside of yourself.

"'Cause the world never pauses for the cowardly

It pushes past the plagued and pageless poet’s elegies

But after all, the only person that's without disease

is only six feet deep"

This section refers to the world seeming to move on without you when you're trapped in panic, along with a slight reassuring thought that 'everyone goes through some sort of illness.' Also this interpolates Glass Pen hey guys ahahahahha, I also reference Cryin' Cryin' with the background line "Don't try to fight what you can't see," interpolate an unreleased song with [ REDACTED ], and reference Neuron Explosion Show with "I don't think I'm gonna make it out/with an ardent voice I scream it." I may or may not be going through an inspiration phase of someone I look up to who motifs a lot ahahahhahahahahah

"BRACING FOR IMPACT, WHAT’S REAL IS PLAIN TO SEE

'THESE THOUGHTS ARE JUST PROTECTING ME'

THE BIBLIOCLAST

TO MY OWN STORY"

The line "'These thoughts are just protecting me'" being in quotes specifically refers to something I learned in therapy about the nature of OCD brains and anxiety. How your brain is constantly trying to protect you despite there being no immediate threats to speak of, sometimes none at all. Also I'm really proud of the line "The biblioclast to my own story"!!! I'm a sucker for a good big word.

And that's really the core of Positive Result as a song. I hope it resonates with y'all however you decide to interpret it! In the scope of MACHINA MORI (which you should check out RIGHT NOW BTW) I see it as staring your mortal self in the face and being afraid of what you see. There's nothing comforting about being mortal. At the same time, there's everything comforting about being mortal. But, yeah. It's scary, it is. However, for me at least, even as I live side by side with this disorder, I'm a certified Lover Of Life and no amount of fear will ever change that for me. Despite how hopeless my music has been sounding lately, I hope you are aware that I, as a person, am not one to let go of hope.

Be prepared for what I have in store for this year. Big things coming!

~Kain Angel, 2/15/25

Thank you: Mage, Io, Tomi, Olay, absolutely every one of my friends, MM TEAM

[angelsrcute]

⌗ GOOD LOOKING. 𐙚˙⋆.˚

(´∀｀*)ε｀　) ౨ৎ N–sfw content !! ; Dom!Tartaglia + Sub!F!Reader ➜ cws: modern au,fluff, hurt to comfort, protected sex + use of lube, praising, body worship, drunk sex, teeth-rotting fluff, Dad!Tartaglia is the dad of the year.

꒰ † ੭ — Part 2 of 7 weeks and 3 days, this is also a lyric fic! mixed up the ideas I had, some crdts to @xschizoe and anon. Hope this feeds you all!! (unfortunately scara didn't get hit by a car)

The skyline falls as I try to make sense of it all.

How did you both get together? Long story, not that you'd complain. He's an absolute sweetheart, Tartaglia, Scaramouche's best friend. Frequent dates, showering you with gifts, spoiling the shit out of your kid. No wonder your kid doesn't listen to you anymore, just listens to your new boyfriend. You swore that you'd never let the walls in your heart down, but it did, for him.

I thought I'd uncovered your secrets but, turns out, there's more, You adored me before. Oh, my good looking boy.

Tartaglia would always give you looks when you were with scaramouche, that screamed out ‘he's not good for you, leave him.’ You never really paid any attention to them even if it was true, scaramouche was hurting you. So one night while you were working your part time job at a club, due to desperate measures– you saw him.

You both talked for hours, catching up on eachother, you broke down while talking about scaramouche but he comforted you, apparently tartaglia got a very good job. To celebrate, he ordered some expensive wine even though you refused, he assured you that he wouldn't mind.

Play casino holes of my eyeballs, Roll the dice on my thighs.

The night was a blur, all you remember drinking too much and crying, your head hurting like hell, Childe saying something. Now, you're here, in his bed. In his fucking bed. No clothes on. Tartaglia cuddling you to sleep while burying his head in your hair. Well, after you both were sober enough, he apologised, he didn't mean to sleep with you without proper consent but he just did due to the moment.

Back to the present, Childe coming into your life was the best thing that's happened in your life. You don't really mind that your child looks a bit like his father, Scaramouche nor does Childe. He'd sometimes bring his siblings to play with your child, they enjoyed every moment of it.

You stopped for breath and I sped up, Just to impress you.

You couldn't help but laugh as your husband played with your child, he currently had makeup on his face, his short hair tied into a ponytail, stylist in the making, you think.

“You look fabulous, sweetheart, you should go walk on the runway!”

“Gosh, Y/N, don't tease me like that–” Laughing together as your kid laughed too, in his arms.

Some whining before he finally put the little demon to sleep. Coming out of the room as he hugs you, prepping light kisses to your face. Leading you to your shared bedroom, “The kid is asleep, we finally have some alone time.” He whispers as he leaves trails of kisses down your chest, worshipping you like his goddess.

“Until the little demon gets hungry and calls the peasants for food!” You reply back, giggling.

“Oh cmon, Y/N, I might die of laughing too much, you'd be at fault. Also did I say Scaramouche was at the bar we hooked up in? You should've seen the look on his face!”

“What..?”

“Anyway, in the mood for a quick sex, darlin’? Wouldn't mind another little demon running around in the house.” He says while he places another kiss to your stomach with that stupid smile he charmed you with.

Oh, my good looking boy.

Taglist : @xschizoe, @iruma-chan,

@whoooismkeee, @t0matensalatxoooooo,

@tartagliaboo, @magica-ren

[notmorbid]

fringe, season 1.

dialogue prompts from the first season of fox's fringe.

you said you loved me. that was a big deal.

you were very lucky today.

sweetheart, we all care about someone who's dying.

call me 'sweetheart' one more time. i'd really like that.

be careful what you wish for.

so much happened here, and so much is about to.

i'm usually pretty good at reading people. that's sort of what i do.

whatever you think you said, you didn't say it.

please try. try and remember.

you should know what you're getting into.

i just want to go back to before.

i had a dream about you.

you're not married, are you? not that it's any of my business.

i just want to take a shower from the inside out.

could you just talk like a person?

when was it that you lost your imagination?

you should have let me die.

are you in some kind of trouble?

sometimes i don't tell you everything. for your own protection.

you can be truthful. i won't judge.

i was hoping i'd have an excuse to see you again.

open your mind, or someone else may open it for you.

must you always be such a smartass?

i know you have questions.

don't beat yourself up. you're good at that. it's a character flaw.

i thought you left hours ago.

you don't have any reason to trust me, but that's what i'm asking you to do.

i know you don't like to celebrate, but happy birthday.

no man is untouchable.

when did this become the world we live in?

look at me. i'm right here with you.

you got superpowers you're not telling me about?

you never did lose well.

you think too much. it's the family curse.

none of it happened. it was just a dream.

you ever wonder how we survived as a species without drugs?

don't bother making up a story.

if i can find you, they can find you.

nothing changes with you, huh?

it'll be worse for you if you stay.

did you ever have any feelings for me at all?

no need to tell the police.

your pupils are dilated. it's a symptom of high stress.

i gotta tell you, i never forget a face.

is that a dare?

imagine yourself then, imagining yourself now.

don't pry into things you couldn't possibly understand.

don't take this the wrong way, but i don't think about you all too often.

i honestly wouldn't know what to tell you.

i don't know how to do this alone.

you've always been the strong one.

i've only done one thing right in my life.

whatever you need, i'm here.

is there something else? something you're not telling me?

play nice. i come bearing gifts.

i can't believe you kept it.

people don't understand ____. they don't take the time.

is it any consolation knowing you were right?

i understand. sometimes more than i want to.

whose side are you on, anyway?

i used to look up to you.

if you need me, i'll be right here.

i've had a couple of drinks, but don't worry. i walked over.

if you want me to believe you, i need you to prove it to me.

being fearless doesn't mean you're being safe.

i was just about to read a bedtime story.

i'm getting too damn old for this.

i always imagined getting a tattoo would hurt real bad.

did i miss you last night, or did you not even come home?

don't get hurt for me.

you would do the same for me.

if you live through this, i am gonna kill you myself.

you were brave today.

it's like listening to a broken record, but the lyrics keep changing.

we're as safe as houses.

it must be a terrible thing to not be able to trust your own mind.

why do i get the feeling you're not telling me everything?

i have to die, or i will keep hurting people.

sometimes what we wake up can't be put back to sleep.

if we get caught, i don't know you at all.

do you have anything stronger for my coffee?

[m1ssunderstanding]

Understanding Lennon McCartney Rewatch Part 2.4

It's in the paper that Allen Klein was involved in 40+ lawsuits and John doesn't question it? At this point, I feel like he just didn't want to let Paul be right about anything. 

My question is who did that work on before? I mean who fucking does business like that? Let alone business with the most successful man in the world. 

John's complaining about Paul being too good at his job is both hilarious (what the hell is Paul supposed to do with that) and sad (it shows just how far their musical relationship has degraded from partners to rivals)

How did they lose Northern Songs? Genuinely, if anyone can break it down for me I'd be so grateful. Anyway I'm sure it was devastating for both of them. “Who'd have the children?” “Dick James”. 

I know I'm insane, but can I be allowed to see a glimmer of goodness here? I really do think it's John's kinder side winning out when he decides not to lie. Like, yes, he gets a buzz off of watching Paul go white at his words, but I think he also just – in that moment – didn't have the heart to trick Paul into staying. 

But also. Why are we trying to maneuver Paul at all if the end game is for John to leave? It just doesn't make sense to try to trick Paul into signing the contract unless John's divorce threat is at the very least not meant to be final. 

I will never understand this picture. Even in the emotional state he's in, he's still hamming it up? There is something seriously wrong with this man. 

I do find it interesting that the fact that Paul cried his eyes out after that meeting isn't even mentioned in the doc. I wonder why. 

Let's put the bizarre, super-warped timeline in this quote aside for a minute. Apparently the depression started after Brian died and it lasted for about two years and John was still in it during Pepper. Okay. That aside . . .

I have to assume this negative lense on what I can only assume means the period between 66 and 68 is highly influenced by hindsight bias. I agree that John was depressed at the time, in an unhappy marriage, doing too much LSD, etc and that looking at Paul's prolific talent and expansive , fast-paced life would have been maddening. But everyone go back to the end of part one really quick. He looks extremely happy. He sounds extremely happy. Everyone who knows him says he's never been happier. I think he just can't accept right now that there was so much good and he's lost it. 

“I look from the wings at the play you are staging . . . I don't know why nobody told you how to unfold your love.”

Insanity quote Hall of Fame. Paul explaining why the Beatles just had to break up, obviously, because he and John "didn't marry the same girl." Someone write the fic where John and Paul both marry the same girl. Could be Yoko or Linda. Sister trad wives au. 

Okay, cool, so this means I have full permission to interpret and tin hat about any lyrics I want then, right?

But also. Are we just not going to talk about the fact that Paul dumped a bucket of garbage water and punched this person? And are we not mentioning the depression and alcoholism and heroin abuse during this time?

It's so embarrassing how he looks to her for confirmation here. John, they asked you what you think. Just you. Not some complicated definition. Not Yoko's definition. Just your own thoughts.

“I couldn't wait for them to make up their mind about peace or whatever. About committing themselves.” Yeah, John. You sound real committed to peace. Or whatever. Here's a theory that anyone can shoot down if they want: John asked Paul for some kind of commitment (a friendship wedding, a partnership contract, a mutual wanking pledge) in India and Paul was a chicken about it. 

What was that day like, I wonder? I imagine extremely stiff and professional and horrid. But who knows. Maybe it was nice, and maybe that made everything worse.

I will go to my death believing that instant karma was for Paul. 

Do we think John actually did send Paul “about twenty postcards from Denmark” all covered in hearts none of which Paul responded to? Paul could be just as cruel in his lack of reaction as John was in his over reaction.

I'm sorry but that is not what a man says when he's just lying to the press to buy time for business. That's what a man says to the press when he's trying desperately to communicate with someone who he can't get through to any other way. 

But really, I just don't understand why the creator chose to minimize Paul's emotional response to John's divorce statement. If we don't see him bawling his eyes out and losing the will to live, he comes off like a self-assured, uncaring, jerk. Which. To be fair. John didn't see those things, and that is exactly what John thought of Paul during this time. But still. The audience now comes away from this doc with a skewed view. 

All we get is Paul being pissed off about Phil Spector butchering Let it Be without his consent and John and George trying to change McCartney's release date without his consent. Which are both a) understandable and b) strong, male, angry reactions. Making this section portray Paul in the same one-dimensional hyper-masculine way that John so often is. Which isn't my favorite. But hey, it's my only complaint about this doc so far.

Anyway, update: I won't be able to do part three until it gets reuploaded, so we're on hiatus for this project for the time being.

[adhdbisexualramblings]

I really like your Bill Regressor headcanons! Have you thought about a scenario where you describe the circumstances under which Ford was able to positively make him regress? I'd be curious to hear more about that!

Aaaaa thank you!! I’m glad people enjoyed them!

I have thought of that scenario, actually! And I will now give it to you in story form! It’s long so I’m putting it under the cut.

(The story takes place during The Book of Bill’s “drunk karaoke session” (spoilers by the way), meaning that there will be alcohol use and also regression while drunk (Bill has problems). As stated before, Bill’s regression is not typical. His regression is very subtle. I’m hoping I wrote it adequately. :) )

(I also got WAY too into the pre-regression part so apologies regarding that-)

(A quick note: I am aware the Bill and Ford are not great relationship-wise. This story isn’t saying that they are, only that they had good moments together. I’m writing this as a what-if scenario based on headcanons - do with that what you will.)

Title: What a Night

Another knight hops across the board to tear into a bishop with its newly acquired sharp teeth.

“Bill-!” The laugh in Ford’s voice couldn’t be clearer as the horse-shaped piece happily chews its opponent. “That’s not valid!”

“That’s a regular move in inter-dimensional chess! I think you’re just a sore loser.”

Bill swirls his glass and takes a sip himself before offering it to Ford, who takes it gratefully to drink a larger portion. The glass never empties.

“God, you mix a good drink.” He praises with a content sigh, slumping further into the comfortable velvet seat.

“They don’t call me the “universe’s best bartender” for nothin’, you know!” Bill blinks once and leans across the chessboard, knocking over a few pieces, “Wink!”

Stanford grins. He moves to grab a rook and jerks back when it snaps at his finger. He laughs joyously and retries.

“Well, I was Jersey’s best chess player for nearly a decade straight,” to the kids that would play against him, which weren’t many. Still, Ford boasts, “and I can’t assess your bartender thing - I don’t get out into the inter-dimensional bars too often, but you…your drink was…oh, boy,” he giggles, already feeling tipsy. Bill laughs loudly at that; it echoes through the Mindscape.

After many, many, chess rounds that ended in ties, the two companions are more wasted than ever.

“No, Bill, we’ve played We’ll Meet Again five times already.”

Bill pokes an accusatory finger at Ford, hogging their one microphone.

“Shhhut it, IQ. You - you just have terrible taste. ‘K?”

Ford huffs but lets the karaoke happen. He crosses his arms and waits on their couch while Bill slurs the lyrics, completely unaware of his  own volume level. Still, he seems to be enjoying himself. The music in the Mindscape stops. Bill droops in place as soon as it does, microphone dangling in his loose fingers. Singing his heart out to Vera Lynn each and every time probably wasn’t a great idea.

“…OK, I’m bored. Your turn.”

Ford catches the microphone tossed his way and grins widely. Bill replaces his spot on the couch, wiped out. He sighs deeply and adjusts his hat as Ford decides. All Bill needs is a little more pep, he’s sure of it. Hell, he’ll offer some to Fordsy, too. With a clunky wave of his hand, Bill’s “Myoclonic Jerk” appears in his hand. It wobbles in his lax grip before he grips it with both hands and chugs what would be the whole glass if the drink wasn’t infinite. A fuzzy feeling wraps around Bill instantly, and he’s too distracted to realize it’s more than the buzz of alcohol.

“Hey, Sixer!” He leans forward and holds up the glass double-handed like a trophy. Ford whips around from the handy little song selection screen. His eyes fall on the drink. He stumbles closer to the couch to take it.

“Hey, wo-oah, smaller sips.” Bill advises without much actual danger attached to it, clearly amused. He snaps his fingers, popping the drink out of existence after Ford’s share. Ford blinks at his empty hand in confusion, making Bill laugh again. It’s closer to a giggle this time. Ford gathers himself in time to glance at the selection screen.

“Oh, I picked som-something. C’mere.”

Bill floats up, finds himself unsteady, and conjures his cane to “help” him keep his balance despite the fact that the cane is no help at all. He stumbles some and giggles. Bill twirls the cane poorly, squinting at the screen.

“Disco Girl?”

Ford’s drunkenness doesn’t stop him from being self-conscious, it seems. He chuckles with a hesitant smile.

“It’s admittedly catchy.”

Bill crinkles his eye into a grin, bouncing a little.

“Hey, I’m stellar at keeping secrets, Fordsy!”

The song plays.

Saturday night is a night alright Time to groove till the morning light..

Bill knew of Ford’s guilty pleasure for the pop group, but the way he sang with such carefreeness for the entire three minutes had even the triangle surprised. Ford was similarly surprised and overjoyed when his companion also knew the lyrics.

At some point, Ford gets into the groove of the song and starts dancing along. Bill, also plenty giddy, follows suit.

Ford laughs between lyrics, a grin lighting up his features - the laugh booms around the Mindscape. It’s bright, hearty, and from the belly. Bill takes a moment to address the warm pit that laugh leaves in his body. He grins again and gets closer.

Their dancing stays separate for the most part, until Bill slings a hand around Ford’s shoulder and Ford grazes his hand long enough for Bill to feel it.

Bill freezes at the touch. Ford doesn’t, perfectly content. Slowly, Bill takes his hand away to stare at it with a wide eye. The part where Ford’s warm hand had touched his buzzes softly.

The fuzzy feeling from the alcohol and other factors increases. Bill blinks. An odd feeling wells up the longer he keeps thinking of the touch. He’s thinking so much that he doesn’t notice the song end.

“-Bill?” The voice calls.

The addressed demon blinks again - must’ve spaced out. He keeps his touched hand suspended and looks to Ford. The human stopped dancing a while ago and realized his companion had looked off.

Ford must have gotten concerned, Bill realizes. It makes Bill feel…nice.

He finds he wants something from Stanford. It’s not the portal or eternal servitude; Bill knows that’s not it. It ties to the fuzziness he’s been feeling. He decides to figure it out.

He grins and laughs, not fake in the slightest.

“Hah! Do that again!” Bill thrusts his hand to Stanford, the implication being clear as day in his mind, which is starting to feel even happier.

“…Do what?” Ford asks with an owlish blink. He looks down at Bill’s hand and looks to his own six-fingered one, gears turning. It finally clicks, “Hold your hand?”

Seeing nothing wrong with it and susceptible to suggestions, Ford fulfills the request and bring his hand to clasp it around Bill’s smaller one.

The warmth from Ford travels up Bill’s arm and only adds to the warmth in the rest of his body. Bill blinks silently again. Oh. Wow, that felt…comfortable?

Bill slips.

Without registering what he’s really doing, he leans into Ford and grips one of his fingers with his hand, moving to sit on his shoulder. Ford makes a little noise of confusion, to which Bill only giggles at. In a second, all the alcohol is figuratively flushed out of Bill’s system as his earlier excitement dies. Ford frowns.

“Bill? Are you alright?”

Bill gathers himself with a chuckle, “Pfft. Of course I am, Fordsy.” He lies.

Bill’s getting oddly sleepy. He was used to this tiredness, however; it went hand-in-hand with the fuzzy feeling. He squeezes Ford’s finger tighter, which doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Y’know what? It’s been a long night,” Bill starts, temping down the slight fog in his mind.

“…Has it?” Ford asks confusedly. Even intoxicated, he notices the behavior switch in his muse.

“O-oh, sure!” Bill finds that he’s unusually tired. It must’ve been the alcohol’s effect. He hopes his stammer isn’t noticeable, “I mean, this stuff’ll give ya a heck of a hangover.” He laughs falsely again, snapping his fingers.

Their couch immediately turns into a simple, cozy-looking, bed. Ford stares at it oddly.

Bill leaves Stanford’s shoulder but doesn’t let go of his hand. It gives him too much comfort.

“C’mon, kid. Let’s get you to bed.”

Without waiting for an answer, Bill physically pulls Ford toward the bed with impatience. Stanford stumbles at the sudden movement but follows anyway out of curiosity. He falls on the sheets, Bill falls after him.

It’s unsurprisingly comfortable. Ford had been low on energy, but hadn’t realized how tired he had truly been until now. Not bothering to take anything off, he sprawls out over the blanket.

Bill, meanwhile, lightly kicks his feet off the edge of the bed, sitting near Ford’s stomach. His feet don’t even reach the bottom. Bill stares at them swinging with attention and an oddly childish look in his eye. He giggles quietly before noticing that Stanford has already lain down.

Bill moves to hold Ford’s hand again and crawls closer to quietly lay next to him. Ford’s coat is made of fabric that Bill just found out is really comfortable. He snuggles closer to his side, making sure that the human’s sleep in the Mindscape won’t take him back to the waking world before Bill wants him to. He’ll let Fordsy wake up when he’s sober again. That sounded much better.

Ford doesn’t let go of Bill’s tiny hand - maybe he’s too tired to notice. Bill sighs quietly and flutters his eye closed.

In one movement, the karaoke in the Mindscape starts playing a slow lullaby on low volume and the blankets suddenly cover both Ford and Bill comfortably.

Bill turns his eye into a mouth and shoves his thumb inside, sucking on it soothingly. He squeezes a sleeping Ford’s finger tighter as he himself dozes off.

[e-vay]

Your Music Suggestions

I received a lot of messages in my inbox for music recommendations or song-related asks and instead of commenting on them one-by-one I figured I'd lump them together! Enjoy and thanks for sharing!

Anon asked: Have you listened to "Waiting For The Night" by Armin Van Buuren? If not you have to it's so good🤭 I go right to sleep when I listen to it😴

E: I had never heard of that before. That was super pretty! It's interesting that it makes you sleepy, whereas I think it's a song you'd hear at a club to get you pumped. Either way, thank you for sharing!

Anon asked: So I don’t know if you heard of Epic the musical. But there is a song called “Would you fall in love with me again?” And I can picture Shadow and Aurora in the context of the song. Especially if shadow had just finished dealing with the Black Arms for good and isn’t sure if he would ever be himself. If you haven’t heard the musical, I highly recommend it

E: YES I know Epic and I love it! (and I'm regularly going "🎶𝔭𝔢𝓝𝓔𝓵𝔬𝔭𝓮𝓔𝓔𝓔🎶" because of it haha). That song makes me cry! And now I'm crying even more that you put it in the context of Shadora 😭 Yes I think that's a perfect fit, especially because no matter what, Shadow will always be Shadow! AH! Thank you for sharing that with me!

Anon said: Hey Evay! Give a listen to Stupid Heart by Sorana! This song reminds me so much of an Amy pov, in the beginning before she eventually does end up with Sonic 😊 This artist is actually Romanian, which is what language the original song is in! The lyrics used translated in English is: “You want to leave but won’t take me with you, won’t take me with you, won’t take me with you | Your face and the love in the linden tree reminds me of your eyes” The original song is hard to translate apparently but it’s about love at first sight :) I thought that was pretty cool lore added to an internet classic haha (I’m assuming you must know of the numa numa guy, considering you’ve been on the internet for a long time like me!)

E: I could totally see what you mean by saying this song makes you think of Amy. That was really catchy! And it played on my nostalgia for sure, because yes I am very familiar with the original "Dragostea Din Tei" song haha. Thank you so much for sharing!

Anon said: you’ve probably been sent this a thousand times but I need to know that you know about this (also I love your art 🥹❤️)

E: "My Favorite Thing" IS my favorite thing! The first time I heard it I had to pinch myself because I was like "Is this real or am I dreaming right now?!" I know it's not canon and that Jun'ichi Kanamaru and Taeko Kawada only sang it for fun, but oh my god it fills my heart so much. And it's canon to ME! Also thank you so much, I'm so happy you like my art!

mariahdoby13 asked: What if Aurora listens to die with a smile by Lady Gaga featuring Bruno Mars what was her reaction while listening to the song?

E: That was beautiful! That's definitely one of those songs she'd be listening to on repeat and just crying her eyes out haha

lucidheart3 said: Recently I stumbled upon the song Yours by Post Malone and it reminded me of Shadow and Sonic’s dynamic and wanted to share it with you alongside my thanks!

E: Oh my GOD 😭 These father-talking-about-his-daughter-getting-married songs are KILLING ME! I do think this song is especially fitting, since even though the song is emotional, it's actually kind of threatening haha. VERY on brand for my depiction of Overprotective!Sonic. Thank you so much for sharing, it made me cry!

theaussieblue said: I was reading your comics when this came on, and for some strange reason all I could think of was Shadow's endless journey through space for the woman who had taken his heart.

E: Whoa. I'm really honored that this song made you think of them and I can totally see it too! There's such a haunting sadness to the music that really resonates with that portion of my AU's story. I know I always kind of answer asks with a blunt "Shadow's been in space for most of my AU" but without having written the story into a proper fic yet, I don't think I've done a great job of emphasizing how sad that is meant to be. In trying to find the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with, he ends up spending decades on his own in the loneliest place imaginable: outer space! I'm thankful that you were able to feel what I was going for, even if it was with the aid of music. Thank you for sharing, I added it to my Shadora playlist.

Anon said: Have you ever heard the song Not Now by Blink 182? Man, ok idk if this is going to make sense so try to stay with me haha but I was listening to it the other day and the lyrics remind me soooo much of like, a scenario of what Sonic’s inner struggle might be trying to control Dark Sonic & it’s (the lyrics) directed towards Amy. Please tell me you understand and see the visionnnnn!! Lmao I have no one to share this with and I’m going feral over it 😂 (I looove me some dark sonic sonamy struggles )

E: First of all, you had me at Blink 182 lol. You're speaking directly to my alt/punk rock heart! Secondly, I LOVE that little music video you have in your head and I can totally see it! Ahh don't you just love how our brains are able to make up these cinematic pieces to songs?! I hope you have the encouragement you need to write this into a fic or make it into a drawing some day because I'd love to see it! I, too, love the drama of either Sonic or Amy succumbing to the darkness and it's the other that is their lifeline to returning to the light. 😩🤌❤️ Thanks for sharing your vision with me!

inkheartart said: Hi, just curious if you're still taking suggestions for your Sonamy Playlist because I have few. If that's all right. Stand by you - Rachell Platten | I really like you - Carly Rae Jepson | Wildfire - Smash Into Pieces | Love me like you do - Ellie Goulding | Sledgehammer - Fifth Harmony | Love's just a feeling - Lindsey Stirling

E: So many of your suggestions are on point! Admittedly, "Stand By You" is one of those songs that I repeatedly add and remove to the Sonamy playlist. It is 100% them but the only reason I sometimes take it off is because I end up hearing it too many times haha. Also "Sledgehammer" is seriously Amy's unofficial theme! 😍 Thank you so much for sharing these with me! I even added a few of them to the playlist 😊

blueblur4 said: Sonic sings Golden Hour by JVKE to Amy, saying how she looked in his eyes when he first met her, meaning he's confessing his feelings for her. Than on their 30th wedding anniversary Sonic sings it again for Amy for an anniversary gift. When Sonic finishes Amy says, "I remember you singing me that" or "I haven't heard you sing that sing in forever." Meanwhile Aurora is surprised that her dad can sing.

E: That's such a beautiful idea! I really like the idea of Sonic choosing to sing the same song to her at such a milestone anniversary, because I'm sure Amy might have thought he'd have forgotten something like that. It's so sweet!

saphstories said: NO BUT LISTEN I JUST HAD THE CUTEST/FUNNIEST IDEA FOR SHADORA: Shadow goes over to Aurora's house either to pick her up for a date or just hang out and sneaks up to her window (he just seemed a little bit comfy on the window sill in FPS so me theorizing that's a normal thing) and she's listening to music and singing along (Rory being Rory) but Shadow is /shook/ that she's listening to Crush 40...Specifically I Am All Of Me. He doesn't know whether to laugh or be embarrassed but as always when Aurora sings or something he enjoys the show and she's so swept up in it that she doesn't even realize he's there watching her...until she turns around and his sudden appearance scares the bejeepers out of her. Now Shadow starts laughing and Rory's like "Oh yeah?" And to get him back starts BLASTING AT FULL VOLUME: "All Hail Shadow." Singing and dancing so exaggeratedly that Shadow gets embarrassed but goes in to have fun with her (whatever that looks like, dancing and singing or even some air guitaring?)...and then they both get busted because "AURORA TURN THAT DOWN!"

E: LISTEN. If the themes from the games exist in Sonic's world for real, the second Aurora discovered "All Hail Shadow" not only would that song would be blasting NONSTOP because internally she's like "Hell yeah that's my beau" but she would ABSO-LUTELY tease Shadow about it. I just adore this scenario you've described! You totally get the fun energy that I try to build between the two (in addition to the more sappier, romantic stuff). This made me smile!

Anon said: I have a recommended song from a YouTuber that I sometimes watch,it’s called puzzle park,you might like it.

E: I have no idea what this is but I tell you what, that was an absolute blast. I like villain songs and this was giving serious 'villainous vibes' so that was fun!

heroofchaos asked: Have you ever heard a country song called "The Painter"? its by Cody Johnson and I ask because about 3-4 weeks after it hit the radios I suddenly heard Shadow and Aurora in the lyrics.

E: Aw! I had never heard this song before you told me about it. I agree, I think it fits them very well! Aurora is very much an optimist and so she has a very different way of seeing the world than Shadow originally did. Thank you for sending that to me!

pellet-the-cat said: I cannot get this out of my head! Since you headcanon Jeremy Jordan as Rory's Voice, how cool would it be to have Gender Swapped Boon be voiced by Erika Henningsen?🤩

E: This message was not exactly related to a song but I wanted to include it because now it's completely changed how I think about "More Than Anything" (For the better!) 😭 Now when I listen to it, I'm picturing Rory and Boon singing it together (even if it doesn't fit their story, their voices sound so dang good together!). This was such a cool idea, thanks for sharing!

[raguonmynieceandnephew]

EPIC THE MUSICAL SONGS RANKED BY ME

With the release of the Ithaca Saga, I can finally rank all the songs from the musical! I did this before, for Act One, so I naturally I gotta do the whole show.

Before we dive in some disclaimers:

This is my personal opinion, and forewarning here, there are some hot takes and very unpopuplar opininons below. If you disagree you are welcome to talk your shit on the notes because there is nothing I love more than arguing with strangers on the internet. No really, I mean it. Give me your worst. Just have some decorum, dont get your panties all twisted

ALL SONGS ARE GOOD. I LOVE THE ENTIRE SHOW. Just because a song is low, it does not mean I dislike. I just like it less than the ones above them.

I am ranking based on overall quality, replayability, personal enjoyment, basically just what my silly little brain thinks about it.

40 - CHARYBDIS

Truly a nothing burger. She's just...there.

39 - SIX HUNDRED STRIKE

This song is to me what The Godfather is to Peter Griffin from Family Guy. Do with that information what you will. Also, first impressions unfortunately matter, and that CG animatic...yeah.

38 - GET IN THE WATER

Poseidon should've a second verse before Ody had his. If he did, i'd like this much better. And by now you can deduce what is my least liked saga LMAO, and I really didn't want it to be so, but these three are probably the only songs in the show I actively dislike. Unfortunately the hype was too high on these, and they did NOT live up to it. I fear we lost a little bit of the plot after the Thunder Saga, although Wisdom was (much) better than Vengeance.

37 - POLYPHEMUS

It's slow, heavily dialogue-y and is not very fun to listen to outside of a full listen through of the show. Just not my vibe at all. Still love her tho <3

36 - STORM

My opinion on her has not changed in the slightest since the last time I ranked it to be honest, but the addition of the 20 other songs made her plummet. Still think she lacks a little bit of flavor, a little something. Haven't felt her since tiktok teaser days, still don't.

35 - LUCK RUNS OUT

I said it once and I'll say it again. I am pissed at the change from the teasers lmao, the rappy version of Eury's first verse was SO much better and I am still salty about it, but it is a good song overall and I like Eury's character beginning to blossom here.

34 - LITTLE WOLF

Don't shoot! The song is great, i love Athena's part, but idk, it's so weird to put it before We'd Be Fine. Like, I just can't put my finger on why, it's just my truth.

33 - THERE ARE OTHER WAYS

We have officially entered No Skip territory. 33/40 is a great score.

The intro and the duet are amazing, I am a sucker for duets between man and woman: Bad Idea from Waitress is one of my fave broadway songs of all time, and that last high note is life changing but Circe's second verse is kinda meh. It has grown on me quite a lot since last ranking.

32 - PUPPETEER

Anyway, I love me some Puppeteer. The intro is amazing and fooled me, i thought Eury was going to profess his love or something. The Lyricism, the dynamics between Ody and Eury, perfection.

31 - KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE

She is weird but she is good. Another song I love that plummeted in the rankings because of the second act lmao. Jorge has since then showed us the twink.

30 - THE UNDERWORLD

My opinion hasn't changed but I'm tired of Polites showing up everywhere lmao

29 - LEGENDARY

Pretty good song to introduce Telemachus and Antinous, silly and fun, but not much else to say. Very solid, good song, nothing to complain about.

28 - ODYSSEUS

She is incredible. The edge, the villain era, the violence and the climax of it all, remarkable. The vocals are insane, the extras, all. I screamed when Telemachus appeared.

27 - DONE FOR

Oh how the might have fallen LMAO this was ranked 7th last time, but the competition is STEEP baby. The second act songs just blew it out of the park, plus many songs I ranked low last time went up so yeah. Still an amazing song, and i will always love it as the one teaser that truly got me into this musical.

26 - MUTINY

ARMANDO JULIAN. Stellar performance, and that Just a Man reference my GOD.

Truly insane how low this song is, when this is song TWENTY SIX the other 25 have to be absolute bangers, which they are.

25 - FULL SPEED AHEAD

The harmonies, the character intros, the simplicity, the naïveté, the HARMONIES, YES, AGAIN THE HARMONIES. Troy saga best saga, and if you disagree you can eat my ass

24 - WARRIOR OF THE MIND

This song was second to last on my Act One ranking and I would like to apologize, as I ranked all athena songs kinda low back then. The cultural impact this had alone makes her stand above many. Great song.

23 - DANGEROUS

Hermes wouldn't disappoint me, even among the Vengeance Saga he shines. I love this song. Animatic on the live stream kinda sucked, (no shade to the artist, I loved your work on I Can't Help But Wonder) but the song has been stuck in my head since before Troy was cast.

22 - HOLD THEM DOWN

YES. YES. I LOVE A VILLAIN WHO IS JUST IREDEEMABLY EVIL. God, I love Antinous's character so much, and Ayron Alexander's performance is simply insane. His death was SO FUNNY, truly, I love this song.

21 - LOVE IN PARADISE

Another song that snatched my ass during teaser era, I adore Love in Paradise. The percussion, the immaculate vibes and the emotional whiplash at the end, i just love it.

20 - GOD GAMES

I'm so sad she isn't better LMAO, the gods' arguments were too short! This should've been an 8 minute song, and I am so serious. Either way, despite my gripes with it, I love it, and I want Luke Hot to step on my neck, respectfully.

19 - OPEN ARMS

A classic. What's not to love about her? The dialogues get a bit meh, but c'mon, who cares? Love Polite's solo moment. I just with it had more duet-y parts.

18 - SURVIVE

This song grew on me tremendously. I didn't like it as much at first and i ranked it pretty low last time, but holy shit. This song is so ALIVE. it fills me with, idk, gas? You get it, right? PUSH FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWAAAAAAAAAAAARD!

17 - DIFFERENT BEAST

The payoff on Monster, a masterpiece tbh. Great song, very dark and violent, just how I like it. First time Ody actually scared me.

16 - MY GOODBYE

Perfection, but I wish Ody and Athena really had a proper duet, like harmonizing together and stuff at some point on the show, and I feel like here would've been the perfect opportunity. But the song is phenomenal, and the JUST A MAN REFERENCE? Lifechanging.

15 - REMEMBER THEM

Top 15 mean we have entered perfection. All songs from here on out are 10/10, with zero notes. Perfection. Immaculate. No suggestions, no way to be better, no. PERFECTION. The rankings are just numbers atp, ngl, except for the top 5.

She is serving rock pauleira, serving angst, serving outro. Like, she is neither man of mythical like, what else you want me to say?

14 - THUNDER BRINGER

My GOD. Oh Luke Holt, you are so sexy, just one chance please!

13 - THE HORSE AND THE INFANT

What an opening. That duet, the set up for the best song on the show (spoilers IG), THE DUET WITH ZEUS? HELLO? (have I mentioned I find Luke Holt attractive?) Perfection.

12 - SUFFERING

Oh she is SO FUN and so catchy, and Anna Lea? I have to stan.

11 - WE'LL BE FINE

This is so beautiful, honestly, Mico's voice is the sweetest and I said before i LOVE duets between men and women, idk why, it just hits all spots on my brain. That first "MAYBE" they sing together sounds fucking angelic.

10 - NOT SORRY FOR LOVING YOU

@ghostlycollectorchaos hates to see me coming at 5:50 am belting this at the bus stop. Calypso they could never make me hate you. She was just in a silly goofy mood u guys!

9 - WOULDN'T YOU LIKE

Oh Hermes, I love you so much. The TikTok snippets had me on a chokehold. (Hermes, however, is not my fave character anymore. Penelope snatched his spot from his hands)

8 - THE CHALLENGE

Speaking of the Queen, OH THE CHALLENGE HOW I HAVE LOVED YOU FOR YEARS! For those who don't know, this and NSFLY have been (kinda) out for a long time before release because Jorge presented them on workshop before even the Troy Saga came out! And The challenge has always been one of my favorites. Anna Lea delivered a spectacular performance. It brought me to tears to finally see it out.

7 - I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER

I wish I could forget this to listen for the first time again. Tears, every single time. Also ATHENA IS ALIVE YALL.

6 - MONSTER

I mean, come on. Do I even have to say anything? When he quoted Poseidon. The venting about all he lost, THE CONFIRMATION THAT HE DID, IN FACT, KILLED THE BABY. HE BECOMING THE MAN TIRESIAS SAW IN HIS PROPHECY. I MEAN, COME ON

5 - NO LONGER YOU

Wig? Snatched. This was my favorite song for a while, I even auditioned for it lmao. Deffo my favorite one to sing, still. Mason DEVOURED this track, and the prophecy? Odysseus's scream? Setting up Monster, AKA one of the best things in this show? Gagged me, your honor. I can't stress enough how much I love Mason's performance here.

4 - RUTHLESSNESS

I was INSUFFERABLE when this came out. I made this song my entire personality for a good 3 months. Ask anyone close to me. She was on repeat for WEEKS. Steven Rodriguez, man. God. That man's voice. That man in general, actually.

3 - SCYLLA

The most hype song in the show, sung exquisitly by who can only be described as vocally insane KJ (have yall seen the video of them belting her lungs off while KAYAKING?) But honestly, what I love the most about the song is the lyrics in the chorus.

"Die in the blood where you bathe" will forever be my favorite line in EPIC.

2 - WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH ME AGAIN

Tears. Every single time. Shit, i'm beginning to tear up writing this. The voices, the harmonies, the rage, Penelope's gambit, THAT RIFF ON "FOR YOU", THE JUST A MAN INSTRUMENTAL THAT MAKES ME CRY. The fact that the show ends in "i love you". I just can't describe in full how much I love this song. I can't wait to see the many actresses that will play penelope on broadway.

1 - JUST A MAN

Remarkable, showstopping, absolutely the best song ever made in a musical. The lyricism, the production, the poetry, vocal performance, I really don't have much to say because it's not needed. All of my favorite moments in this soundtrack, unreleased songs included, are moments in which this song is referenced.

I love this song so much i literally can't think about things to write that can represent how much I love it. Shit, this entire part is straight up copy paste from my act one ranking.

My life's dream is to go to broadway once to see this fucking song live, and i know it will be life changing.

[musedisorder]

𝐃𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐚 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐝𝐢𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫?

A collection of my favorite lyrics from The Great Impersonator. Feel free to change as needed! Some of my favorites were too specific for roleplay so I did not add them. Namely from I Believe in Magic and Life of The Spider which are two of my favorite songs.

❛ Do you think they'd laugh at how I died? ❜

❛ I think I'm special 'cause I cut myself wide open as if it's honorable to bleed. ❜

❛ But I'm not lucky and I know I wasn’t chosen. ❜

❛ The world keeps spinnin' without me. ❜

❛ I wake up tired, think I'm better off dead. ❜

❛ I'm nervous what you'll think of me now. ❜

❛ I'm hoping that someone comes around and helps me figure it out. ❜

❛ I'm all grown up but somehow lately I'm acting like a fucking baby. ❜

❛ I'm really not as happy as I seem. ❜

❛ I'm still a little kid that can't make friends. ❜

❛ I wanna be invited, but I won't attend. ❜

❛ I wanna be cool, I don't wanna be pretty. ❜

❛ Nothing's as it seems. ❜

❛ I don't like the lie I'm living. ❜

❛ I'm way too nice and too forgiving. ❜

❛ It's all done now, who am I kidding? ❜

❛ I'm doing way worse than I'm admitting. ❜

❛ I'm really not that happy being me. ❜

❛ I'm trying to be positive. But oh, it's really hard. ❜

❛ I'm a loner, I'm a loser. ❜

❛ I'm on a real short leash, but I like it tight. ❜

❛ You know a mercy kill is what I seek. ❜

❛ I didn't ask to live, but dying's up to me. ❜

❛ Well, they say all dogs go to Heaven. Well, what about a bitch What about an evil girl left lying in a ditch? ❜

❛ Tell the three people who asked that I am in a better place. ❜

❛ 'Cause I'm not old, but I am tired. ❜

❛ I'm not strong, I'm very weak. ❜

❛ I have seen enough! I've seen it all! ❜

❛ I don't wanna hurt so get it over with quick. ❜

❛ Please, God, I wanna be loved. ❜

❛ I don't wanna be somebody that they wanna get rid of. ❜

❛ Every time you lean in closer, both my knees can't help but shake.❜

❛ I think you're a danger to my health, or so it seems. ❜

❛ Is it love or a panic attack? ❜

❛ Is a heavy heart too much to hold? ❜

❛ Because you make me fucking nervous and I don't know what it all means. ❜

❛ My spirit has been broken. ❜

❛ My optimism's getting sore. ❜

❛ I don't know if I can see you anymore. ❜

❛ I don't like to complain, but I'm saying sorry. ❜

❛ When I met you, I thought I was damaged goods. ❜

❛ If you knew it was the end of the world, would you like to stay a while? ❜

❛ Would you leave when it gets hard? ❜

❛ When I met you, I said I would never die. ❜

❛ The joke was always mine 'cause I'm racing against time. ❜

❛ Nothing good is free, but oh, it should be. ❜

❛ I still believe in Heaven, if they'll never let me in. ❜

❛ I think I might start tryin' because I haven't been. ❜

❛ Could all just be an answer to thosе prayers that came delayed? ❜

❛ Please, God, I don't wanna be sick. ❜

❛ I don't wanna be somebody that you're tryna get rid of. ❜

❛ There ain't a reason on this earth I'd go back to my hometown. ❜

❛ You know, I never felt like anyone, I was a paradoxal lie. ❜

❛ I didn't think that I was special, but I was too afraid to die. ❜

❛ I was trying to love you through an open wound 'cause everything I put inside there just fell right through. ❜

❛ If you only knew how bad it hurt me too. ❜

❛ You can rest your head down and not feel any shame. ❜

❛ I never loved you in vain. ❜

❛ You never listen and I'm terrible too. ❜

❛ If you stopped, I would've kissed you. ❜

❛ I almost thought I heard you call my name. ❜

❛ They say that God makes no mistakes, but I might disagree. ❜

❛ You all know something that I don't. ❜

Well, I was born all by myself It's not unlikely that I'll die that way as well. ❜

❛ I always knew I was a martyr. ❜

❛ I was built from special pieces that I learned how to unscrew. ❜

❛ I can always reassemble to fit perfectly for you. ❜

❛ So where do I go in the process when I'm just an apparatus? ❜

❛ I'm reduced to just a body here in someone else's bed. ❜

❛ When you're done, you can discard me like the others always do. ❜

❛ Your human starter kit came incomplete. ❜

❛ Fool me twice, the shame is on me. ❜

❛ Am I a victim in your game? ❜

❛ Can I take the blame for everything you hate? ❜

❛ The punishment and crime are not the same. ❜

❛ Somebody will love me for the way that I'm designed. ❜

❛ You smothered out the glow I grew for you, but it was mine too. ❜

❛ Have you ever been broken and thrown down? ❜

❛ Have you ever given the world to somebody as a gift and had it returned? ❜

❛ Did you know the father's DNA stays inside the mother for seven years? ❜

❛ Have you ever woken from a dream just to realize that you're still asleep? ❜

❛ Do you ever wish you were still asleep? ❜

❛ Do you ever wish you wouldn't wake up? ❜

I'm only small, I'm only weak.

❛ God, how could I even think of daring to exist? Looking just like this, I'm hideous.

❛ I worked real hard on the last one but the last one got me here. ❜

❛ I'm minding my own business but my presence makes you curse. ❜

❛ I should be getting better but I'm only getting worse. ❜

❛ And, God, how dare I even think of choosing here to die? 'Cause then, I'm just a problem that you have to take outside. ❜

❛ I know you hate the sight of me, I haunt you when you're fast asleep. ❜

❛ If only I had eight more lives. ❜

❛ You don't like it when I cry. ❜

❛ You would break me if you tried. And you will because I dared to be alive. ❜

❛ I'll never be like him. ❜

❛ You know my father isn't dead, but it don't feel like he's still here. ❜

❛ And my eyes tell me that he's harmless despite what my heart has to say. ❜

❛ So maybe just forget. Maybe move on, don't regret. ❜

❛ Or maybe this is just another trick that hasn't happened yet. ❜

❛ I thought that it was my fault and now sometimes I still do. ❜

❛ I can't bear to fake a smile when you walk into the room. ❜

❛ Everybody, get in line to meet the girl who flew too high. ❜

❛ Did it all to be included, my self-loathing so deep-rooted. ❜

❛ When I die, I won't have time to spend my money. ❜

❛ But I hope that you still love me. ❜

❛ A problem child, I was rough. But what do you do with a difficult grownup? ❜

❛ I thought I changed so much, nobody would notice it, and no one did. ❜

❛ I told everybody I was fine for a whole damn year. ❜

❛ Please, God, or whoever you are. ❜

❛ These days I get less calls 'cause no one wants to hear my voice. ❜

❛ I miss the days when I was gettin' texts that I could just avoid. ❜

❛ I don't ever wanna leave him, but I don't think it's my choice. ❜

❛ I don't think my pleas are heard because I'm screaming in the void. ❜

❛ Please, God, oh, you've gotta be sick. ❜

❛ Why do you make it hurt, and why's it over so quick? ❜

❛ Please, God, I'm finally loved. I finally found somebody I don't wanna get rid of. ❜

❛ You took a little while to respond to my prayer. ❜

❛ Please, God, no, this doesn't seem fair. ❜

❛ I'm tryin' not to show it, but I'm terribly scared. ❜

❛ They don't know I'm lonely. ❜

❛ They don't know I'm kind. ❜

❛ Does a story die with its narrator? ❜

❛ This is a cry for help, callin' for assistance. ❜

❛ What happened to the girl I knew? ❜

❛ I think I've been awake for days but it's so much fun. ❜

❛ I took another dose but I don't think it's micro. ❜

❛ Can't you see that I'm an imposter? ❜

❛ Where's the fun in doing well? ❜

❛ The good girls never kiss and tell. ❜

❛ I don't belong here, how 'bout you? ❜

❛ I still get punished for good deeds. ❜

[ray-winters]

MR. WINTERS-VELHO UR SONG IS SO GOOD IVE BEEN LISTENING TO IT ON ACTUAL REPEAT SINCE IT RELEASED

Would you be interested in doing like a lyric genius style breakdown of the meaning/what you were thinking when you wrote it? I’m curious- I feel a lot of connection to the lyrics/pos

You are the coolest ever 😌😌😌

AYO THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I appreciate that, I am so happy with the response so far.

Yeah absolutely, I'll attach the like lyric breakdown below the cut (But here's the song if you haven't gotten the chance yet!) - spoiler alert, it was very inspired by a show that I think saved my life "NEWSIES" and the main character, Jack Kelly.

I'm not too sure how like. In depth I should get here. But if you want all the secrets and answers, I gotchu.

So, let me give you a little backstory here. I wrote "I Will Run" specifically about when I was a 17 year old senior in high school. For reasons that as of rn I'd rather keep to myself, my home life was pretty shakey. The only real constant I had in my life at that point was high school theatre, and with graduation quickly approaching, that was about to be taken away from me.

I went to a private Catholic high school and was pressure by a variety of different people to stay in the closet and keep it to myself. (Namely, my parents, some friends, my director) While they did this to protect me, and I understand why (2013 was a different time) I still wanted to scream it from the fucking mountaintops and let the entire world know that I was gay and that I didn't have a problem with it and that if they did it was their own damn fault. But, I didn't. I kept it inside. Which like. I do regret. But, that's my story.

Around that time, I truly felt like it was high key all coming apart. My mom was in and out of hospitals, my dad was doing his best to keep it all together, I'm the youngest so my sisters weren't always around anymore. The only real places I could escape and get away were video games, theatre, movies, music, and TV. Specifically in video games, I COULD run away. I COULD be something bigger and better. Same with theatre- I wasn't ME, I didn't have to deal with MY problems, I could handle someone else's problems instead. It was sort of my only version of therapy at the time.

It was my senior year that I discovered the musical "NEWSIES" - a show that remains to this day in my top 2. I saw Jack Kelly on stage and I saw myself. If you don't know, Jack Kelly is the leader of the Manhattan Newsies, everyone looks up to him, everyone wants to be him, yet when it comes down to it...he's just a scared kid who wants nothing more than to run away from all of the bullshit in his life. I felt seen. At school I very much so came across as having the perfect life, having it all put together, and being the "cool" senior (in the theatre scene, outside of theatre I was a complete nobody.) Little did everyone know that I was high key dying inside.

ALL OF THIS TO SAY-

Flash forward to 2021. The world has just started coming back from shutting down, I had just moved out of an incredibly toxic situation, and I am finally starting to get my life back together. I wanted to write a song that would make 17 year old Ray proud. So I really went back to a pretty dark place and thought about what I would've needed at that time. And I guess, what I did get, which was the song "Santa Fe" from Newsies. A song about the desperate need to run away, leave it all behind, and thrive elsewhere. So that's what I wrote.

I wanted to write a song that was full of me; references to things that made me who I am, things that I loved, etc. I drew inspiration from pop rock/pop punk anthems like "The Great Escape", "Dirty Little Secret", "Move Along", "Gives You Hell", "Melt With You" (Bowling for Soup), etc. etc. And I put it all together.

The 8-Bit Video Game aesthetic of the song reflects how Video Games high key saved my life and gave me an escape.

The first lyrics, "My feet are on the ground, but my head is in the clouds." are a reference to my personal favorite quote from Newsies- “Keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground. You can do this.”

"Looking for my perfect sweet escape" is a vague but intentional nod to "The Great Escape"

The biggest nod to Newsies, though, is at the end of the bridge right before the band drops out. I sing, "I will fly, I WILL RUN" - the 3 notes I sing for that "I will run" are the exact same 3 notes of the final "SANTA FE"" in the iconic Newsies act 1 closer "Santa Fe".

I wanted a stomp clap section, similar to the ones that "Gives You Hell" and "Could Have Been Me" by The Struts have. I lovingly refer to this as "concert bait".

Oh, finally, this is an easter egg to pretty much only me. But this isn't actually the first song I've ever put out, it's just the first one as an adult. Back in 2013, I was just starting to write music. My dad knew a producer who charged us...way too much money...for a product that wasn't really exceptional. I don't think it represents me as an artist, so I sort of just...scrubbed it from the internet and moved on. However, that EP was called "Unmasked" - it essentially was my way of trying to be an inspirational gay super pop star, but what I really needed was for someone to vet my songs and tell me to keep working before I release anything. The title track, "Unmasked", had a melody line in the chorus that I reused for the intro & post-chorus guitar lick in "I Will Run" - sort of a way to pay homage to who I was at the time that I wrote this new song about. While embracing who I have become since.

I know there's a lot of ME in the song, but let it be known, I wrote it for anyone who feels stuck, overlooked, outcasted, and alone. There really is a world full of people out there ready to embrace you- everyone's got a group. It just might take you a little while to find it. And, in the meantime, if you gotta scream your troubles out to a song, and disappear into your favorite video game, movie, tv series, or book? Then you do that. Self preservation. But, don't give up; because it's not forever.

I don't know that I missed anything, but yeah. That's sort of my mini write up on "I Will Run" - the context, who I was in the time I wrote it about, who I was when I actually wrote it, what it's about to me, and what I hope it can be about to you.

More to come. 2 more singles this year, and then a full album/ep in January! See you then ^_^

-Ray